Adolescent Distractive Harmony Disorder

There's a prevailing stereotype about teens like myself. Well, there's actually a lot of prevailing stereotypes about us, but most of them aren't necessary relevant to this discussion. Or appropriate for certain audiences (after all, as often as I use profanity on this blog, I still have a lot of politically correct viewers who would take offense at any further crudeness. Let me rephrase that: my mother is the self-appointed censor of this blog).

Anyway, prevailing stereotypes. There's one in particular that our elders reserve for us teens, which certainly has foundation:

We get distracted too damn much.

Oh, the youth of today. They just don't have an attention span. They keep shifting between 140 character "tweeters" and these strange 7 second videos. Don't count on them to start their homework anytime soon, 'cause they're just gonna spend all day texting each other about Justin Bieber and Jay-Z and their new shoes and their Playstation games.

Damn, adults sure do think we're stupid. We just can't do anything right 'cause we're too busy trying to absorb ourselves in other parts of the world. Well, to a certain extent... they're right.

Now, I'm not trying to dismiss the rest of my peers as lazy. I'll do that some other time. (Procrastination: another problem that plagues youth). What I am going to say is that the need for distractions is a big part of the adolescent's life, and there is a sort of balance we achieve with it.

I'll admit that there are a lot of problems that arise from these distractions. Distractions cause us to miss a lot of beautiful things in the world that we regret missing later on in life. I often regret that when I went to Europe, I spent too much time scouting out wi-fi locations and not enough time observing the fact that I was in freaking Europe. I suppose that a lot of these impulses of distraction are things that we can hardly help and are really more just bad habits (I mean, how many of you have to have at least four tabs open on Google Chrome in order to properly function?).

But I have come to believe that distractions can bring their benefits just as well. We, adolescents and every other person in the world, have to process a lot of information all at once, and we can't always handle it. The news, the variety of subjects in school, the web of relationships we spin around ourselves. Trying to handle it day to day is a herculean feat, and we need to provide ourselves with moments to breathe as we roll our stone up the hill.

Think about how we try to escape reality and regroup ourselves. I ask my peers: how many times have you gotten so frustrated with High School that you glanced at a possible college's website (for the 547th time) to imagine the future? How many times have you felt hurt by someone and started clinging to people on the opposite end of the spectrum? How many times have you gotten overstimulated at a big gathering of peers and forced yourself to try and find something else to focus on until you could leave?

I do that stuff day to day.

The adolescent's distraction, while it comes with baggage and shortens our ability to focus on the issues at hand, is an evolutionary skill that carries us into the next day. We can escape reality, possibly even reaching our "mountaintop" (I have another post all about that crap). It's really an amazing thing, and we should learn to value the times where we can pause time and focus less intensively on much smaller things. It allows us to go back into our own minds and organize our thoughts.

Before I go, I must emphasize that our distractions should be minimal and we shouldn't allow them to control us. We must learn to find time to see our lives as a whole when the present proves too much of a rush.

I a video where a UNC grad filmed one second of every day of her senior year for one big video. I'll be shamelessly ripping that idea off for the year to come, and I'll probably just continue it until I get tired of it. But I believe that it can be both a new distraction to focus on and a way to truly see that dull narrative of life as a whole.

I ask all of my peers reading this to ask themselves how they manage to distract themselves from the fast-moving world. What pushes you from the pressures of your life into the miniature reality of your distractions? More importantly, where does the line blur between seeing life as a whole and seeing only this miniature reality?

We'll just have to wait and see. I've got some really freaking short clips to film.

Mornin' Hays, signing off.

Don't Fear...

Before I begin, I have two brief notes:

1. I said I would do another post about Clemson after I got home. All you need to know is that it still impresses me, and it's safe to say it has the lead in the race. I won't eliminate USC, and I plan on backtracking a bit to look more into... the smaller Carolina. I might talk more about it in the future.
2. AP Exams are on everyone's mind tomorrow, and I'm starting first thing tomorrow with the AP Chemistry exam. I hate to cover a topic that everyone else is talking about, since I like going against the grain a bit, but I'll just leave with a brief pep talk for everyone else taking AP Chem tomorrow. Read on to see what it is.

So, anyway, I want to use this time to meditate a bit before I go to bed and get a lovely rest before the exam.

For starters, Lent has passed and I have since returned to Twitter, which is basically just as dumb as I remember it being. But I've gotten smarter, and I don't see it as much of a vice anymore. Now, it's really just another dumb teenage distraction that I have, just like all those of my peers. So, that's really not the focus of this discussion.

The issue at hand is something I have mentioned briefly before (maybe not explicitly in this blog, actually. I can't seem to remember). I want to talk about a fear that I have and a fear that I believe most adolescents have. Some days, I brush it off like it's nothing, acting the wise one. Other days, I'm dumb enough to let it consume me, but I'm just an everyday teenager, so there's nothing wrong with that, per se...

I fear incompletion.

A premature end to a task I hadn't felt ready to complete. Something I'd walk away from with regret. Time wasted, life wasted, pride wasted. (For those of you studying for the AP Language exam, that last sentence used epistrophe. Good luck).

There is the obvious interpretation of this statement: When I start something, like procrastinated homework, an ice cream cone, or a freaking blog post that I lost the train of thought on (CRAP ON A CRACKER DON'T REMIND ME), I prefer to complete it if I'm forced to walk away. But two semesters of monotonous English taught you guys that literal interpretations are always irrelevant, right? (You're getting tested on that soon, by the way).

I also fear not doing enough at home or at good ol' Dutch Fork High before going away to college. I fear that I haven't made the difference I want to make in my community or in my diocese.

I fear that as people spontaneously fade out of my life (AP Chem review tip: this means that they are increasing in entropy while releasing heat), that I will not do enough to impact them or appreciate their brief time with me. I also fear that when it's gone, baby, it's gone, and there will be no second chances once the people I know go their own ways.

This is something that really struck me close earlier this weekend. I was forced to drop a staff position on another youth retreat due to obligations with Aida. I thought nothing of it at first, especially since Aida has produced some timeless experiences and awesome people itself. But when it occurred to me that it would be my last ever retreat with a lot of the people about to graduate, I broke down. Wasted time, wasted memories. I was almost to the point where I needed a sudden day trip to God's Country (or, as the mapmakers would call it, Western North Carolina) to ease my mind.

Sometimes I think that I've set certain expectations for how I fit into the lives of these people, and all others for that matter, and I feel like I haven't done enough. I ask myself "If they're having such a damn great time without me, and if they can live without seeing me or talking to me, then can I really say I've made a difference?" (By now, I'm now specifically referring to just about every person I know, and not just the EDUSC guys, so I have no specific vendetta).

So, I do a lot of thinking, and whenever this concern comes up, it's immediately followed by the voice of reason chiming in and saying:

"Austin, you whiny shithead. Fix this your own damn self, I'm tired of you right now."

(By this point, I tell the voice of reason that I'm working on it, and that he should just piss off).

For a person who still finds himself often secluded and sometimes faces struggle even approaching the closest of friends, it's not always easy to take initiative. But I believe that before you try and screw things up over something you blame others for, you should try and fix whatever things you yourself are doing wrong. Even if you're actually doing everything right and in the best way you can, try and change yourself.

It's hard for me trying to manage connections with a lot of people, especially when I'm so fickle about who really will matter to me when all is said and done. But I want to be able to keep people close and try and make an impact, even if it means I'm wrong.

In life, I want to follow the patron saints of my church, St. Simon and St. Garfunkel Jude. Simon is the zealot, which means he really gets into shit. Jude, who many hospitals have named themselves after, is (this actually kind of depressing when you consider said hospitals) the patron saint of lost causes. In other words, even if it ain't a worthwhile cause, freakin' go for it. Repercussions are irrelevant.

So what if everyone I know forgets about me? I still am going to try to make a difference in others' lives and push myself harder to do so, even if I (*GASP* God forbid!) don't get to be in a bunch of group chats or Instagram shoutouts. GROUP CHATS AND INSTAGRAM SHOUTOUTS: OBVIOUSLY THE PINNACLE OF TEENAGE FRIENDSHIP. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.

(Sorry, I got a little carried away there).

I can't make a blanket statement for everyone I know here, but if you're reading this, know that you kick ass. And AP Chem kids, here's that pep talk.

"Don't fear the liter."

And don't fear a lack of impact either. Kick some ass on those tests, everyone.

Mornin' Hays, signing ever-so-gracefully off.

Easier Than It Looks?

Tonight's post is a unique post. I'm not typing this one in my cozy Irmo tonight. This one comes from my third-floor room at the Sleep Inn in Clemson. A hotel whose only other occupants appear to be some women's team from UCLA (softball, maybe?) staying for a match, and a room which I didn't even think would have wi-fi when I first arrived. So, being able to have The Rug--my laptop--open and connected to get a new post up before bed is like a little surprise. Well, isn't that nice?

So, anyway. I'm in Clemson. After taking a tour of USC on Monday, there were a lot of questions that needed to be answered if Clemson wanted to be close in the race again. I had already been to Clemson twice in 2013: I went up to see the Tar Heels play them in men's basketball (The Heels won by a moderate margin, and I was probably the loudest Carolina Blue-clad spectator in Littlejohn), and I took an official campus tour in the summer. So, I knew what the campus looked like and I'd seen all the pretty buildings and fields and water and whatnot. Today, I focused more on getting the information I needed to compare it to what South Carolina has to offer for research and job opportunities. And I'll be damned if I didn't get some answers.

The morning session started with a campus expo, with a bunch of booths set up in a ballroom to showcase all of the key services the school had to offer. There were representatives from the different colleges within Clemson (Engineering, Agriculture, Arts, etc.), some folks from the Honors College (named after the crazy secessionist John C. Calhoun, no less), and some general services like housing, dining, and recreation. Also, there was a poor old man who had to sit alone at the LGBT services booth, which you would not expect many people looking at school in backwoods SC to even glance at. I pity that poor old man representing a good cause (in my mind, at least. I can debate it later). So, if you're a bit on the left end of the political spectrum like myself, you might want to think twice before coming to Clemson (I mean, this school even has its own its own equivalent of Fox News).

I won't waste time with all the minor details. Some of you probably won't understand terminology. But I found that almost all of the key things that made USC stand out--research and internship opportunities, Honors College, studying abroad, and the like--were matched (and possibly even exceeded, sometimes) by Clemson. In that respect, the "recruitment race" should be considered a dead heat. I suppose I did jokingly say to myself "I'm sold!" when I saw the following course description of the first-year engineering requirements at a presentation:

ENGR 1020- Stuff 99.99999999% of the population can't do

CH 1010- Alchemy for the rest of us

ENGL 1030- (we know your ACT/SAT reading scores)

MTHS 1060- Really hard math

ENGR 1410- Magic and Sorcery or CHE 1300- Plumbing for dummies

MTHS 1080- Really, really hard math

PHYS 1220- Stuff Einstein couldn't do

(In case you were wondering, they did show the actual class descriptions after having this bit of amusement)

But there is one thing that might end up being the selling point for me if I end up at this school (and frankly, it might have just given Clemson the lead). Freakin' hospitality.

Now, before I go on, I want to go on record to say that I think that the concept of "Southern Hospitality" should only exist if used to create a warm and fuzzy sweet tea commercial. Hospitality is no more real in the south than in any other part of the country, and frankly, a lot of Southern people are assholes. But this is not the hospitality I am claiming that Clemson has.

As I said before, the opportunities for research and a damn good education are really about the same between Clemson and USC. But what sets Clemson apart from its garnet counterpart (at least, from what I've seen) is that Clemson goes more out of its way to make sure that its students get these opportunities and succeed. When I toured USC, I heard a lot about the research there and how I could always find an opportunity myself, but it seemed as though most of that finding had to be done on the student's part. Clemson, essentially, dumps everything in its students laps, and they would be damn fools not to follow those opportunities. That's not even mentioning all the other conveniences that Clemson has that USC doesn't: a great shuttle service that caters to its students, an on-campus Episcopal church for me to find community in (more on that later), and so much more, really. The guy in charge of recruitment for engineering even said directly to the audience that he wanted most for everyone to find the school they are comfortable with, even if it is elsewhere. And he meant it. That took some freakin' heart.

This is what is really selling me on Tigertown right now. Every person there seemed devoted to getting the best for everyone visiting. Now, I believe it's still possible that USC has similar efforts, and I welcome any Gamecocks to enlighten me about said efforts. But something just feels right about Clemson right now. Maybe it's just a sense, but even if I'm wrong about it, my next option is a damn fine school to go to just as well.

During the day, there were many times where I felt close to home. I saw a few old friends from Happening across campus, each one of them unexpected but very pleasing to see. I walked down the shops on College Street and ate at a few local restaurants (note on College Street: has a great vibe to it, kinda like Franklin Street in Chapel Hill, but I don't worry about my safety there like I do in Columbia's Five Points). In the evening, I took in Maundy Thursday service at Holy Trinity Episcopal Church (seeing a few more folks I knew in the process), and immediately after service, I was immediately invited to come as a guest to their youth gathering. I didn't stay for long, but I did get to participate in a bit of egg-dyeing while talking all about my past youth experiences with a bunch of new people. I got a little carried away, and as a way of saying goodbye, I painted this little sucker and left him with the other youth.

Ah, but it's still too early to commit.

More on the rest of the Clemson visit tomorrow evening.

Mornin' Hays, signing off.

Looking Along the Via Media

Let's regain focus. Let's stop crying. Let's take a look at all the greenery growing along the road of life here. Let's admire anaphora for the preeminent syntactical device it has become.

I decided that tonight's post should focus on some less sentimental things and lead a new direction for writing on this here blog.  For some inspiration, I went over to the works of a friend of mine who has frequently blogged her travels afar. Her newest series  chronicles her journey throughout the Northeastern US, which I myself have only seen portions of (although I will be going to NYC and Philly in the summer, but more on that later).

So, there are two things about Kathryn's blog that I want to (appreciatively) rip off in the future. First of course is the commentary on locations, from the minuscule elevators in the big cities (try fitting five people in a lift at St. Ermin's Hotel in London) to the appearances of mathematical constants (she seeks out pi in all its glory, while I'm more of a tau guy myself. No, I am not a frat). That's a much more creative means of getting out opinions and observations on life than just.... I dunno, thinking really really hard?

The second thing which I want to focus on for the future AND today's post is-wait for it-the colleges. My nerdy colleague has her eyes set on much higher, out-of-state institutions (I mean, why do you think she's going Northeast), while I already mentioned in "Faith in Blue and White" that I'll have to betray my Heels and go stay in-state.

I like to ask myself why exactly I want to stay in-state when I have fallen so utterly in love with the rest of the world. After spending two weeks in Europe last winter, I have now been in six foreign countries (assuming you count the accidental turn my family took into Austria and the 20 minutes it took to get back in the right direction) and 16 US States (soon to be 17, as I'm going to Louisiana in December). It seems like I shouldn't be confined here to SC, the US state most known for not wanting to be a US state, but I admit that this Carolina has grown on me just as much as the Carolina I was born in. I can't see myself leaving quite yet, but there will be many opportunities beyond that. Oh, and the fact that these schools will give me more money. Money that could be used to teach me how to use less run-on sentences. Moving on.

Yesterday evening I was given the "jaded student" tour of the University of South Carolina. Even though the school was practically in my backyard, I never really took the opportunity in the past to truly look into it. I guess the past me wanted to at least get out of Columbia. The tour was given by a quartet of students from Engineering Without Borders at USC (an acronym which, here, doesn't refer to California), who worked with my mom to mentor the robotics team at Oak Pointe Elementary. Saw all the stuff we hoped to see: the Honors Residence Halls (blew me away), the engineering building (one of our guides mentioned how the sidewalk out front manages to cause some flooding. Great job, engineers!), and all the pretty antebellum buildings all along the way. Those antebellum buildings really make you feel like a Confederate.

As an aspiring Chemical Engineer and Honors College student (no matter what school I settle in), I wanted to know straightforward about what research and internship opportunities I could get at this school, and how beneficial the curriculum would be. I got good, sufficient answers, and I can say for certain that this school would be right for me if I decide to go here. The Honors College at SC is very renowned, of course, and this tour did even more to impress me.

After the group ate at an Arabic restaurant I hadn't been to in years (man, I missed the Damascus bread and hummus), I had to get to thinking. This was an awesome campus, but I can't forget how much I enjoyed touring Clemson back in the summer, especially since I'm going up there Thursday and Friday. One advantage that this jaded student tour at USC did have was that it was given by honors college engineers who know exactly what I need and interacted with me personally, as opposed to an overexcited sorority girl preaching about how OH MY GOSH CLEMSON IS SO... SO GREAT to a big group. There are a lot of other small factors that will go into all this, and it will take a lot of time to come to a conclusion.

But I'm enjoying every single minute of it. I don't have to worry about getting into either school, and frankly, I probably don't have to stress that much about getting into their honors colleges either. I feel like these schools want me more than I want them. I'm like a 5-star football prospect being fought over, only... more academic. I'm not letting that last part go to my head, but I'm going to enjoy every single damn minute of the decision process, and either way, I can't make a wrong decision.

Staying in-state won't constrain me because I will always find ways to travel. There's the glorified idea of the road trip that all college kids take, and there are the bounteous opportunities to study abroad that I will find. This is going to be tons of fun, and I'll have a bunch of stories to tell.

So, is there a favorite right now? Is it USC?

Nah. I ain't revealing a thing until I enroll.

Mornin' Hays, signing off.

Down The Mountain (Life Back in the Valley)

Mountaintop experiences. Times where everything seems to be going right and you're standing above the rest of the world. Something you just can't replicate. Bliss. Some of you might know exactly what I'm talking about here, and you should agree that coming down from a mountaintop experience sucks. It really sucks. I know because I posted about it a few weeks ago.

For those of you who lack attention spans or have issues with my usage of curse words in bold print, here's what I essentially had to say in the past: when everything is going right somewhere, but then you have to go home, you start doubting whether you can have that same happiness you had again. I talked about how much I feared all of my friends disappearing due to graduation, distance, or just a gradual falling by the wayside due to lack of interest. I had no answer to the issues I presented other than repeated profanity and one rather unhelpful statement.

"Just don't think about it."

I mean, hey, that ain't bad, right? Ignorance is bliss? Don't worry, be happy? #turnup?

Well, you are going to have to think about it at some point, and achieving ignorance is not always an easy thing to do. So, let's get some freaking answers today.

Back in the last entry on this topic, I talked about Happening, an Episcopal youth retreat designed to be a mountaintop experience to its guests. Having first gone as a guest last year and serving on staff at the next two Happenings (and hopefully at least one or two more, pending my application and the call from the rector... Claire, if you're reading this, no pressure). Anyone else who had been to Happening would get where I'm coming from, but that doesn't necessarily amount to a large number of people. This time around, I want to talk about another mountaintop that I just had to climb down this week.

A more relatable and easier-to-describe mountaintop would be in the realm of theater (or, "theatre" for the snobbier more refined person, but it's the same anyway). When you're doing a kickass play for a long time with such an awesome cast, you immediately begin to suffer withdrawals (and not "withdraws," as my peers seem more inclined to say. Please stop saying "withdraws," guys). Even those in the filthy plebeian non-acting crowd should be able to relate to this phenomenon.

I was just in one of these shows, of course, and it's pretty clear that the majority of the cast is feeling the pain of separation right now. Aida. An old Verdi opera that Elton John and Tim Rice adapted for Broadway, and that School District 5 managed to land the rights to. Man, that was a ton of fun. Everyone got into it, emotions ran high, and the crowd loved every minute of every show. There's so much I could say about it, and I'll be damned if I don't talk about it again in the future.

Now its over, and as the Edmodo group stays alive and very active, a lot of folks still haven't adapted to the change. (Side note: For those of you who aren't familiar with Edmodo, it has been championed by teachers as "Facebook for schools," obviously because they think that teens need a new gathering place after old folks like them started bogarting Facebook. Probably). No one wanted it to end.

So, how do we live in the valley after coming down from the mountain? Well, there will always be chances to reunite with people who shared the mountaintop experience. You can't see them all the time like the past, but if they had an impact, then they should remain in your heart. Focus on how your experience has shaped you as a person, and use your experiences to continue a better life. It's trite as hell to say, but all good things must come to an end. And I've found that good experiences are hard to leave at first, but once you're traveling down the highway, you don't need to look back. No fright or hindsight, leaving behind that empty feeling inside.

If you long for the past and have doubts about the future, "just don't think about it" is not a useful directive. At some point, worrying will cease, but you don't have to erase the memory from your mind. I've found that mountaintop experiences return to me in fulfilling flashbacks (and, believe me, I've been on a lot of mountaintops in the recent past). Even if you don't stay in contact with your friends from the mountain 24/7, there can still be other ways to be have a satisfied mind.

To close out, just remember to keep doing what makes you happy. And in remembering the people on the mountain, recall the "spirit is always burning though the flesh is torn apart." This may not have been the most thorough response, but it's what I got for now.

Mornin' Hays, signing off. Aida lives on.

Upon Further Inspection...

I've said it before that Sundays can be technically seen as off-days during Lent, although not everyone chooses to use them as such. On this fourth sunday of Lent (halfway, there guys), I decided to cave into an impulse, and checked Twitter for a brief amount of time. I can't say what got into me, but it gave me a necessary spurt to use for a topic of discourse (which I've been at a loss for since Happening). Moving right along, let us get this show on the road (and, yes, I know it is past 10 PM, and, yes, my AP Chem homework can wait right now, thank you very much).

So, what did I see? That seems to be the question at hand for this post, does it not? I suppose the best thing to say would be... nothing out of the ordinary. Tweets of the generic variety, sports tweets (on that same note, how did the Lady Gamecocks play, eh?), Walking Dead live-tweets, attempts to be creative (I'll avoid talking about whether said attempts succeeded at a noticeable rate). It was like clockwork. Angsty, awkward, whiny, clockwork. Like, seriously, think back to the High School days of Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast.

I guess it should be noted that my first instinct was to immediately notice the things that kinda made me want to barf once I opened twitter on my PC (I had deleted the app off of my phone and iPad, and I wasn't about to reinstall them for one day). Mostly the bitching. Y'know, like uuuugggggh math is trying to kill me and dang, I hate how I'm not noticed enough. People dwelling on little issues like this, expanding them into the little sonnets of angst we call tweets. I hope I don't have to describe this any further than I already have.

So, other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?

Alright, so, I rediscovered the headache Twitter had been giving me for years (which is what you get when there are hundreds of voices talking all at once on a little screen like that). Frankly, I didn't find anything that would make me want to come back to the grind. I'd be leaving all the calm I've found within myself, I'd waste far more time, and I'd get really freaking frustrated from time to time. In other words, life without Twitter is far more satisfying than life with it.

I could devote this entire post to the idea that twitter is a cesspool of human garbage and vice. I could try and play the "holier-than-thou" card and try to champion myself as the one who saw the light and will make things right. I could be working on this damn AP Chem homework that I knew would cause me trouble (oh, sorry, off topic again).

Instead of sinking down to the bitchy-whiny echelon, I'm going to do something that your grumbling AP teachers have pressed you to do since you were assigned your first psychological free-response document-based argumentative manifesto: ANALYZE.

How did leaving Twitter affect personal relationships? I knew from the start who actually mattered and who didn't, and I was able to confirm my suspicions.

What good stuff did I miss out on? Funny stuff from comedians, a lot of @midnight Hashtag Wars, opportunities for puns, probably some delightful exchanges between my peers.

Could I go back? Well, I think the days I've had off really have allowed me to learn, and returning to Twitter won't kill that vibe off. But quitting Twitter for me was like quitting smoking. It was getting rid of something that could not have fulfilled me completely, and why would I want to go back?

On the other hand, leaving Twitter kind of reminds me of the fear I shared in the last post (which was way too damn long ago). I'd be walking away from my past, the good and the bad, and trying to refresh and find new ways to communicate. Almost, like, going to college, or somethin'. There certainly are a bit of ramifications to just walking out.

I have had impulses to just let my account rot away and not return to it, even when Lent ends in a few more weeks. I seriously will consider this more in-depth for the time being, and I'll have a conclusion at some point. But one thing is for sure: I've still got a few more days to learn and breathe in the air. I've got a great show coming up, I've got schoolwork to be engaged in (can you not just feel the excitement in this one), Lord knows what I could do for my mostly vacant Spring Break.

Forget this whole post, anyway. I've seen what I've left behind, and I need to get back on program. My thoughts were long since due to be shared again, so I wasted some precious time to get this text onto the screen. Hopefully I can be a little less angsty in the future.

So, I'll say goodbye again to the Twitterverse I walked away from, and get back to my program. So long to the pleasures, but mostly, so long the grievances.

You're the reason I'm a-travelin' on.

Don't think twice, it's alright.

Mornin' Hays, signing off.

So, What's Next? (From The Notepad, Vol. I)

Hell, yeah, I'm back! That sure was a long time without hearing my voice, wasn't it, faithful readers? Nevertheless, I am not short of thoughts for tonight's post. It might be hard to get me to shut up this evening.

So, this weekend I was at Happening #71 at Camp Gravatt (or, Gravatt Conference Center, but it's the same thing in the end). Happening is a "mountaintop experience" weekend for high school youth (particularly of the Episcopal denomination, but we welcome all). I got to be on music staff, rockin', rollin', praisin' the Lord and whatnot. That was fun and refreshing, indeed, and the other guests at the event surely would agree.

It was also nice to turn off my phone for the duration of the event from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon, as I got more time to concentrate on the beautiful facilities around me and to do some writing. Or, by writing I mean that I grabbed an old memo pad and started jotting down non sequitur thoughts in as small handwriting as possible. I concluded that this form of short, impulsive-thought based writing to myself was just a surrogate for Twitter (which I have now gone without for almost two weeks). Yeah, it was kinda weird, all my friends who gave me curious glances as I jotted away on the memo pad will be pleased to know that I planned on adapting most of those thoughts into blog posts. And I am doing that now.

So, as a lot of you who have read previous posts might recall, a big motif for my Lenten venture is relationships with other human beings. Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe that other people exist. This is especially true at events like Happening, which throws you into a crowd of complete strangers that become close friends through your mutual experience. An experience that few others can understand. But I digress.

People who go through Happening almost always face concerns about leaving the "mountaintop" and life not being quite the same back at home. After all, home doesn't always have Gravatt Squares. But there is a real concern about leaving the close friends that guests have formed within a matter of days, who they open up to and feel such a strong, unspoken bond.

As much as I would hate to bring up something so negative about an event that has changed the lives of thousands of youth for decades, including myself, this is a topic that intrigues me. People we know, coming and going, even as we hope to know them forever. Last night's How I Met Your Mother also addressed this topic (a show that I have dearly loved and will be very sad to see conclude in two weeks. Again, this is a motif that intrigues me). It all kind of makes ya think, don't it? More specifically, it makes you think this:

I might not see any of these people I know again. HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

It really is a hard thought, and I've been holding it in my mind for quite a while. This is mostly due to the large quantity of close comrades I have who are seniors, and I will have to cope with their increasing absence from my life. However, it also becomes very real and, frankly, quite frightening when I consider that I'm about a year and a half away from having to start again myself. Even more folks will fade away from my life, going in completely different directions that I can't stray from my current path to follow.

I want to be able to say that I have an answer to this fear. I have been able to come out of other blog posts with answers, but I cannot give a resolution to this one. This is something that I cannot change, this is something the people I know cannot change, and this is something that you cannot change in your own life. And it ruttin' hurts to think about it.

It sucks hard because you want to try and do as much as you can for others when you realize that you have such a limited amount of time with the people around you before they vanish from your life, but you can't seem to make time or effort, or even your best feels unsatisfactory.

There are sudden pangs you have where you begin feeling this early, as if everyone is already gone. It's just an impulse, typically fueled by rage caused by, say... frustratingly attempting to complete unfinished work in the wee hours of the morning, but you can't help but remember it.

It attacks in so many ways. There's no sole point of entry of these feelings into your mind. And I want to say "seize the moment you have now," but, again, how can you do that when you barely find yourself able to reach out to others in your own hectic life (and to an extent, your self-absorption). You even begin to question whether you truly matter to these other people who you consider friends-on-a-timer.

Holy. Shit.

So, as you can see, my brain works in a funny way while jotting down on a notepad. It can actually be quite cynical. I am not the only person who has had paranoia like this, and I expect that a few people who read this will sympathize. I won't try and answer these concerns, but I will express some optimism. I mean, I've gotten to talk to a few people I hadn't in a long time, and I think shit is actually going pretty well for me at home, as a whole. And, I have to admit, even as superficial and vice-forming as they may seem, social media has lessened that burden, albeit by a small amount. And, if nothing else, we can always hope to find new people as the old ones fade away.

I guess there is only one answer I have now:

Don't even think about it.

It's mostly angst anyway, right?

Mornin' Hays, signing off. Especially because Mornin' Hays has to start signing onto doing some deferred Pre-calculus homework.