There are twenty-three minutes left of July 22nd, 2014 as I begin to write this post. Never mind, twenty-two minutes. I sit in an overdecorated living room in the house we're staying in, with a single lamp fighting back the darkness. Long story short: it's nighttime, y'all. And pretty damn late at night, too.
I've always had a sort of undiagnosed syndrome of quirks and hitches that manage to distinguish me from others, but also provide a lot of difficulty. The fidgeting and pacing while others sit still. The construction of mountains of distress from emotional molehills. Inconsistent ability to communicate with others. And last but not least, the many nights spent in high function, which you can imagine is the reason I am straining myself putting this new post up so late at night.
Now, mind you, I understand that many other youth above and below my age also dapple in nocturnal life their own way, particularly when some sort of social activity is in the mix. Darkness truly does not exist in their nights, chased away by bright lights and loud conversation that break the silence of the evening. I could satirize the nature of teenage obsession with neon and strobe, as well as the remedial bass-driven noise that they feast upon, and how they are the bread and wine of their idiot's communion, and how fast the sense of judgment and brain cells deplete...
But I've never been a part of that crowd, and I ain't here tonight to try and make sense of that bullshit (believe me, I've tried before). I know that for me, the night is a time where every thought and every action crashes to my brain at once. My willpower demands that I rest, but my body continues its Asperger-esque fidgeting and my mind works at an extra-high rate to process the information overload it has obtained. Oftentimes, I feel like something I've deferred needs to be finished immediately, which is possibly just a miniature PTSD that comes only from heavy amounts of schoolwork. But right now, I cannot put to waste any thoughts that my brain processes at this late hour, so I am going to keep functioning and delve into my psyche for your viewing pleasure.
At this time, I normally think back to all the interactions I subjected my introverted ass to during the day. Were they good or bad? Did they deviate from normal patterns? What sort of dumb shit did I do this time?
This previous day seemed to be more minimal. For the second straight day, I slept through breakfast, and eventually became the only person left in the house as everyone else ventured out to do fun, stereotypical beach crap. I value those moments of isolation, where I don't have to waste any sort of energy on others and can find quiet to reflect, which is often why try to get moments like these while everyone else sleeps at night. During this time, an old friend whom I hadn't seen in years messaged me, and we spent a lot of time trying to catch up. It brought the past individual I was back to me in a swift wave, and I saw how different I have become. Of course, the rest of the crowd returned, so I was forced to be social once again [groans], and I spent a lot of time dealing with arbitrary issues in my head that I seem to have with people in general. Mission complete.
I think about Jesus. Kind of in the cheesy Christian way that you'll see most people claiming to embody. How He has carried me through these small issues I face, and how far He could take me into the future. I don't always make a clear chain of reasoning out of these individual thoughts, but at least I did something. The question that keeps recurring in my head whenever I bring those thoughts to the blog is "why do I kinda want to throw up every time other people try and talk about Jesus in the same corny way?" Appreciating other people's faith remains a struggle for me, even when I find others who are just as curmudgeonly as myself while retaining the same enthusiasm I am capable of expressing. Weird, I know, but I'll answer it some other time.
I think about the work I still have to do. Particularly the schoolwork. In other words, OH SHIT I'VE STILL GOT TO READ TWO BOOKS AND FINISH THAT PACKET ON THE CONSTITUTION OH LAWDHAVEMERCY.
Lastly, I think about the future. More specifically, I comically alternate between excitement and dread about what lies ahead. Holy hell, finishing high school/college/starting a new life! In times where I am exhausted by the present and feel that I am not fully in place, I don't really care about what lies ahead, just get me over, dear Lord. Maybe a greater degree of freedom sounds good to me. Maybe I crave isolation. No, scratch that, I definitely crave isolation. But I also fear the loose ends that I haven't tied up, whether it be dreams I want to accomplish and relationships with others that I feel are waning. This is where I start to get kinda adolescent-bitchy. This is where I try to make plans to execute, but there's no way in Hell that they could follow through. Lest we forget the occasional fear of getting a terminal illness or dream-ending injury that could screw things up for me (things which I feel very susceptible to given the poor diet and fitness doctrine I keep my body on).
But even as this shit keeps coming at me, the only thing I can do is keep going. Good Lord, I can't sit down, I can't rest, 'cuz I know I'm going somewhere. Freddie Mercury said it best: "Don't stop me now, cuz I'm having a good time." There's some spirit in me that makes me the crazy damn soul I am, and I gotta let it keep me moving. I've come to believe that what makes a human most fit for heaven is the resilience and maturity he or she obtains through trial and tribulation. Even though my brain is turned up to eleven and I'm trying to visualize the time around me, the only thing that can truly make those visions true are my eyes and ears.
Okay, I'm probably going to wake up this morning very late again, and I'm probably going to be unwilling to have breakfast again or do anything, so I should probably crash. It'll probably be at a more reasonable hour that you are reading this, so... hopefully I've said something noteworthy. Maybe I'll do something more notable on another post.
Extremely-gorram-early-in-the-Mornin' Hays, signing off.
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