In the past, this blog was covered with numerous posts, albeit far between. I un-published a majority of the old posts, and most of them still lie on my dashboard, waiting to be revived. Tonight, I decided to bring back one of the old posts, in its original state and unabridged. For the most part, at least. I decided to keep the old writing style and not make any revisions to improve the text as a way to show a time capsule into my past (which, if you'll recall, is not a bad thing to do during a time of reflection).
This one comes all the way back from February of 2012, when that forgettable adaptation of Battleship was rolling into theatres, and I thought I was being original by conceiving ideas for new movie-based board games. So, for your viewing pleasure, back from the past, here is Predictions of Films to Come.
What is it with films today? Originality is falling by the wayside, plots all share a similar pattern, and a lot more movies are based of other things like TV. Things clearly have changed, but that's nowhere near as offensive as the movies I am prepared to vent against. That's right: I'm talking about about the board game-based films that are becoming all the rage. Last year, the trend began with a blatant ripoff of Rock'em Sock'em Robots (I sincerely hope I am not the only one who noticed this). Now, Hollywood is explicitly naming the game which it is fracturing, Battleship (hint: don't your aircraft carrier in row A or column 1. It never works out.) Since this trend is unlikely to fade, I am going to give filmmakers suggestions for future productions (they better give me credit if they use them).
Monopoly: A tycoon is buying away the protagonist's favorite places in Atlantic City, forcing those who come across each street or attraction to pay an unfair rent. The tycoon ignores protests from the citizens, building more houses and raising the rent even higher. The protagonist, a washed-out businessman, brings his car, dog, top hat, boot, thimble, wheelbarrow, iron, and battleship (somehow) across the streets in protest of this new tycoon, making sure that his business is stopped and he goes directly to jail without collecting $200 he needs to accelerate his reign of wealth.
Operation: "Doctor, this patient is beyond operation!" cries the obligatorily attractive female nurse, who lacks any actual knowledge of the situation, to the rookie physician "how can we remove the butterflies in his stomach before its too late?" The patient, who had recently come in with a case of writer's cramp, is running out of time. The doctor proclaims "we can never abandon a patient in jeopardy." So he removes the butterflies, woos the nurse, and rides into the sunset. The patient returns to his happy life, but returns with cancer. The doctor and extremely blond nurse return to the patient, but neither is capable of treating actual maladies, and the physician watches as his patient dies on the table. The nurse feigns tears on the doctor's shoulder, then whines about her lame acting job to the producers.
Pictionary: All over the world, mysterious pictures in the Earth are appearing. Conspiracy theorists are suspecting that they are alien messages, but all of the pictures do not make sense at all, even with a hint. Hotshot detective Billy "Piksho" Nerry observes these drawings, and is somehow able to interpret a skillet and a crude sketch of genitalia to be Peter Pan. He and a group of his colleagues set off around the world to decode these sketches and find out once and for all the reason behind them (spoiler alert: it's a bunch of bored college kids).
Dominoes: In the future, people are born with mysterious tattoos, almost like dots, on their upper and lower bodies. A group of mad scientists comes to find people with matching dots and to merge them into Siamese twins. After these men take over the world, a motley crew of insurgents joins together (figuratively, of course) to topple these mad domino-men. Can they set up a rally and bring down these tyrants who want to line them up and bring them down?
That's about all I had on this post. Not perfect, perhaps worth a few chuckles, and it even included an inside joke from my family. Mornin' Hays signs off again, with original content to come again soon.
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